If the People at Our Dog Park Were a News Team

Me: Good Evening. I am Carl Medley and this is your breaking 8:30AM community news program. We begin our coverage with this morning’s news headline; the economy. With the GOP  recently gaining control in the House and adding numbers in the Senate, what do the Republicans bring to the table as far as fiscal change? For more on this story, we go to a-woman-who-wears-shirts-with-wolves-on-them-and-has-a-ton-of-weird-medical-issues.

T-Wolf Lady: I cannot believe how expensive bread is getting these days. You know I went to the Albertson’s and a loaf of Wonderbread with a coupon, WITH A COUPON, was $5.99. UNBELIEVABLE. Of course, we gotta have the Wonderbread because that’s Steve’s favorite driver in Nascar so we are just trying to support the brand. But it is just too damn high these days.

Me: Wow. Real cutting stuff. I never thought of looking at it that way. In other news, terrorist threats are growing in Yemen causing some citizens to be concerned, saying that our focus needs to shift now from Afghanistan to Yemen. Reporting now from the American Embassy in Yemen is a-man-who-is-so-fat-he-needs-a-cane-to-walk.

Fat Man Walkin’: You know, when I was young and in the Marines, you didn’t have all of this ‘mumbo-jumbo, let’s be nice to everyone’ kind of crap attitude. This country was founded on Christian values. That’s what I fought for; that’s what our troops are fighting for; and I’ll be damned if any President, (who IS a Muslim, by the way. I can prove it) is going to take that away from me.

Me: Very real words to think about indeed. Well, all is not lost this weekend. It appears as though the weather is picking up. With a report on that, we turn to our local meteorologist, a-woman-who-thinks-she-is-a-buffet-connoisseur.

Coupon Queen: Oh my Gawd, this weatha’ is great; are you kidding me with this? I went to Bernie I says, “Bernie, can you believe this weather?” And he says, “No, it’s faaabulous.”

Me: Haha wonderful. When we come back, we take a long hard look at the education system and how standards seem to be focused on more than actual learning. But first a word from our sponsor: other-people’s-dog-shit-everywhere.