Detainee Pleads Guilty; Americans Collectively Get Bored

On Monday, a Guantanamo Bay detainee, Omar Khadr, pleaded guilty to charges of killing an American soldier. At that same moment, all the way across America, everyone realized our chances of being extras in an over-budget action movie were gone.

A guilty plea?! Are you kidding me?! America’s worst fears are going unrealized. What happened to being afraid of giving these guys a trial because they could possibly get off and then come to our houses and rape our grandmothers? I feel like I watched all of those Bourne Identity movies for NOTHING! According to Michael Bay, this is how it happens; 1.) Terrorists are put on an important list, 2.) They are held captive by inept agents, 3.) (this is kind of a grey, blurry area and it’s usually made up for by a sex scene starring Megan Fox), 4.) The bad guys get blown up while we walk away from an explosion. THAT’S HOW THESE SCENARIOS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. Who do you think you are, Justice Department?

Earlier in the month, Faisal Shahzad, the terrorist who tried to set off a car bomb in Times Square, was sentenced to life in prison. You know what kind of movies they make about life sentences? The Green Mile. And unless Faisal is secretly a humongous black guy who can get rid of the guard’s pee problems, I don’t want to be in this made-for-tv-movie. The only saving grace would be if they sent him to the same “maximum” security prison that the guys in Con Air were in. Fingers Crossed.

Die Hard. 24. Rambo. The Sixth Man. If it weren’t for creations like these, we would have no idea how to let terrorists run free without being incarcerated AND THEN kill them in a helicopter action sequence. Maybe it’s the fact that the Keep Fear Alive rally is coming up, but we as Americans need to remember what it is that keeps us motivated; fear of not being famous.

Tyra just found out there won’t be an Expendables 2.